An Indigo Hitting the Bottom of the Spiritual Barrel

I surrendered and begged, “Will you help me find my way? Universe, help me figure it out. Send me in the right direction. Show me my divine right path!”

Finding Hope

I had finally come to my brick wall. The place where I felt I had nowhere to go. I was alone and I felt isolated and directionless. I desperately needed to know what my dreams were and how to recognize my purpose. I felt so confused. A lifetime of dealing with abandonment, low self-esteem, and beliefs based on a family that revolved around an alcoholic patriarch, along with boundary, and shame issues from sexual abuse. I was in no shape to figure out anything.

Picking Up the Pieces Through Synchronicities and Signs

One of the first things I came across while beginning research to seek peace after demanding universal direction was a self-esteem quiz. I recognized that self-esteem issues were getting in the way of my purpose or even being able to identify my dreams. (I was having a problem answering the basic finding-your-dreams question: What did you love to do as a child?) I kept coming up with reasons why my dreams couldn’t be reality. “They wouldn’t work, I’m too old now,” and all of those excuses that hold us  back. Those inner thoughts that stem from what we learn as children.

This quiz, I thought, was the answer—to this part anyway. It will tell me how to fix this problem. The main theme was focusing on all positive aspects, strong skills and abilities that had brought me to where I was now. The idea was to let go of any negative thoughts and beliefs. Stop focusing on all the things you need to improve and only focus on your positive traits, skills and values.

With my background in mind, I asked myself, “What are these skills? How did I manage to overcome these triumphs throughout the years and be here, 33-years-old today and still have some sort of hope and desire to become a better person—to see myself as a successful person.”

A funny thing happened after completing the quiz.
I learned that I had mostly survived by isolating myself and removing myself from uncomfortable situations. Or the very opposite, by being more tolerant of situations than I should have been and staying longer than definitely was healthy, all because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I realized those weren’t very positive traits that had gotten me where I was. My need for self-betterment was out of desperation. The self-esteem quiz only validated that I needed more answers.

Epiphany

When the crystal and indigo child card kept popping out of my angel deck practically every time I randomly chose one, my friend, life-long energy healer and psychic medium, Anne Roberts said, “Hon, YOU! It’s YOU! You’re the Indigo child.” I thought about it. I had been told before that I took the guilt and blame for my abusive family, that I was a victim soul of sorts. I had endured hardships in order to help others complete what they had to do in their lifetimes. I was an example so that others didn’t have to go through the same experiences. Author Doreen Virtue wrote that many Indigos go through hard things, like abuse and the leadership of being poster child, and then deal with the fact that people don’t feel the need to protect or save them. Instead they point and judge, “She’s over reacting,” or, “She’s just sensitive, don’t worry about hurting her feelings, she’ll get over it on her own.” All with the same message: She doesn’t matter. Her needs don’t need to be met.

It’s that drama of the Indigo’s life that has a way of clearing the road for crystal children.

I thought, if that’s the case, I better start telling my story and hope it helps someone. With more community awareness, I can only hope that more children don’t go through the difficulties and rejection I did.

This post is one of a two-part series. Be on the lookout for:

Indigo Survivor’s Take on Spiritual Parenting II